So today this journey really got real! I finally had that commitment melt down that for me always let's me know I am moving in the right direction. But first I have to come clean. This journey for me is a little more complicated than just planning it out and moving forward.
You see I have never been functionally thin and I started this blog not just to share but to free myself as well. Writing is therapy for me and I can not just let you think that this journey to my personal goals really has anything to do with just my weight or what I see visually in the mirror because at the end of the day 'weight' is a trigger for something else.
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The road has been long but I believe I am strong enough now for the journey. I suffered with an eating disorder from 12 years old until I was about 22. Now I traded one disorder for the other. I have to just admit that I am a stress eater and the more personally successful I become the more shame, fear and guilt I have about what great things could lie just over the hill.
Now maybe some of you are thinking.... huh? But at the end of the day we all have our thing that holds us back. Some of you it is stress, loss, dealing with your kids, wondering how you got to a certain place in life when you had so many amazing plans. There are a million reasons but there is only one way out. We can no longer stay locked in a personal prison and call it life.
This morning's total melt down really took me by surprise but I have to admit that after I really let the dust settle I realized that since overcoming the eating disorder the thought of ever having to see that girl's face in the mirror, which inevitably the thinner I become the more I look like 'her', terrifies me.
So I have to face her, these feelings, the heartache and all of the left over emotions I have been carrying on my back for so many years. I truly thought I was 8 years past all of this but at the end of the day I never seem to stick it out. When things become a pattern you have to find a way to end the cycle and for me part of ending the cycle is clearing the air. I want to let other women know that I am not perfect so that they can see the beauty within themselves.
Isn't it funny how the same things you thought you had let go you have to be strong enough to face again so you can release them on another level. In truth life is about levels of release as well as ebb and flow. There is a quote that says something like you only drown if you stay under water. The act of falling in the water is not what cuts off your air flow. It is the submission or resignation that moment when you give up and stop fight.
I was not built to give up or taught to submit. I was built to fight and girlfriend if you do not feel like you can fight fake it until your power comes. Say to yourself, "I can and I will because I will not give myself another option!"
The biggest reason that I will succeed is because I am going to move out of the way and let God fight my battle. I am going to arm myself with his word and when that feeling of defeat comes I am going to remind myself even scream it out if I have to that I am a Proverbs 31 Woman who was built for battle, I am more than a conqueror in the name of Jesus and all things are possible through him.
So here is my personal declaration.....
I am over it! I have never flown as high as I know I am capable of and I have so much to do, to share and to say not just so that I can give birth to the amazing future God has called me to but I was created to help you too.
In my mother's womb God ordained me to be a problem solver, gave me the anointing of David and the ability to stand in every test but this test will be the most trying so I am going to really have to work at it. I have to change my lifestyle, my thinking patterns and my habit of procrastinating when it comes to me or something that I do for myself.
Self Inventory:
STEP 1. GET REAL WITH YOURSELF!
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You see I have never been functionally thin and I started this blog not just to share but to free myself as well. Writing is therapy for me and I can not just let you think that this journey to my personal goals really has anything to do with just my weight or what I see visually in the mirror because at the end of the day 'weight' is a trigger for something else.
Now maybe some of you are thinking.... huh? But at the end of the day we all have our thing that holds us back. Some of you it is stress, loss, dealing with your kids, wondering how you got to a certain place in life when you had so many amazing plans. There are a million reasons but there is only one way out. We can no longer stay locked in a personal prison and call it life.
So I have to face her, these feelings, the heartache and all of the left over emotions I have been carrying on my back for so many years. I truly thought I was 8 years past all of this but at the end of the day I never seem to stick it out. When things become a pattern you have to find a way to end the cycle and for me part of ending the cycle is clearing the air. I want to let other women know that I am not perfect so that they can see the beauty within themselves.
Isn't it funny how the same things you thought you had let go you have to be strong enough to face again so you can release them on another level. In truth life is about levels of release as well as ebb and flow. There is a quote that says something like you only drown if you stay under water. The act of falling in the water is not what cuts off your air flow. It is the submission or resignation that moment when you give up and stop fight.
I was not built to give up or taught to submit. I was built to fight and girlfriend if you do not feel like you can fight fake it until your power comes. Say to yourself, "I can and I will because I will not give myself another option!"
The biggest reason that I will succeed is because I am going to move out of the way and let God fight my battle. I am going to arm myself with his word and when that feeling of defeat comes I am going to remind myself even scream it out if I have to that I am a Proverbs 31 Woman who was built for battle, I am more than a conqueror in the name of Jesus and all things are possible through him.
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So here is my personal declaration.....
I am over it! I have never flown as high as I know I am capable of and I have so much to do, to share and to say not just so that I can give birth to the amazing future God has called me to but I was created to help you too.
In my mother's womb God ordained me to be a problem solver, gave me the anointing of David and the ability to stand in every test but this test will be the most trying so I am going to really have to work at it. I have to change my lifestyle, my thinking patterns and my habit of procrastinating when it comes to me or something that I do for myself.
NO MORE EXCUSES! YOU KNOW BETTER NOW DO BETTER!
Self Inventory:
STEP 1. GET REAL WITH YOURSELF!
- What has plagued you from your past?
- What issues are consistent that you do not like to admit to yourself?
- What are you hiding from yourself?
Just begin to meditate on the weight from a totally different perspective. What ever the dysfunction, blockage or clogged artery of your life it is time to just gain some perspective so we can both move forward.
Each week we will have a new step so we can start working through this thing together! I love you girlfriend & I know we can do it!
Keep up with me on Instagram & see what I am eating, my workouts, and even what I am wearing to the gym everyday!
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